Pain that gives hope

Never in my life did I ever think that I would go through a type of pain that is caused solely based off of what I think. There’s pain that is caused by others, or pain that is somewhat random. The majority of these “pains” are all caused by an external forces. Everyone feels those, obviously, but I never thought I would have an internal conflict, one that caused pain. The majority of my internal problems (self vs self) are all either fixed easily or aren’t and just cause a bit of a headache and some stress. 

I always look at GOD to know whats good and bad,  I look at him because he is the solution to all my problems. Point being that I’ve never gone through an intense amount of pain from an internal problem. Having God to back me up, situations like these don’t happen. 

In the beginning of 2023 I met a girl in college, she was in the majority of my classes and I decided to go up to her because I knew she was smart and I wanted to surround myself with those types of people. We quickly became friends and got to know each other very well. I NEVER had the intention of making a romantic relationship out of it. As a matter fact, I even told my friend that she was my “perfect girl”, since she wasn’t Christian and also had really high standards then she would never have feelings for me and we could simply never become a thing. Also even if I got feelings for her then I wouldn’t act on it because it would go against what my convictions. Fast forward to later on in the year and if you couldn’t already guess we both end up falling for each other. We reached a point where we had to make a decision to either stop talking or continue. Since we could never actually have a relationship it would be useless to continue talking. The most healthy and logical action would be to stop talking. But something in me, deep down, couldn’t let go of this girl. No matter if a relationship didn’t come out of it, I wanted to be with her. Just the idea of leaving her felt like the wrong answer. Well we both decide to continue talking, she’s also leaving to California so we decided to talk until then(end of second year of college). 

I knew from the very beginning that this wasn’t going to result in anything, I decided to start praying to GOD that if it wasn’t her then he would help me lose feelings or maybe make adjustments that would stop the overall relationship without any pain or little pain. But I wasn’t getting answers. I also prayed that if she was the girl then she would become Christian. But even now it looks far from becoming a truth. 

This is where the pain begins. I constantly feel this pain that is caused because I think that she will become Christian but it’s extremely improbable that that’s what will happen. I keep on looking for answers because I hate getting over excited for something that won’t even happen. There’s been times when she’s told me very directly and passionate even, that she won’t ever turn her head over to GOD. It kills me whenever she tells me that, to the point where I’ve almost decided to stop talking to her because I’m just wasting my own time. But again, I get this feeling that I have to continue with her, I must show her who GOD really is. This hurts a lot though, a pain that makes me cry almost everyday, a pain that makes me think that I can’t possibly let more tears roll out of my eyes. But for some reason, there’s a voice in the back of my head telling me that there is hope. 

There’s a voice in the back of my head telling me to not stop, a voice that even I think that its myself just feeding myself delusions. Delusions are easy to break though, they aren’t real, so the smallest inconvenience can completely break it down.

I get this constant feeling that all this struggle and pain will result with a good ending. I’ve never believed in my own intuition, I’m a flawed man so the majority of my decisions will also be flawed. The only times that I’ve followed my own intuition is when it was harder to not do it then to do it. It’s brought me to a very good point in my life, making decisions that I know I will never regret. I know at heart that these decisions are actions that are influenced by GOD. I don’t know where this pain will bring me. It’s weird to think that it’s bringing me to a good spot. I would like to believe that it’s like when one exercises, there is pain but the individual also believes that it will pay off with their muscle growth. But in this case, I feel pain not knowing in what aspect this enduring of pain will bring. It’s weird to not know the consequences that will follow your actions, when it’s only something as vague as the word “good”. 

At the end of the day, its pain. No one likes it but I do think it will always bring some sort of result. I believe the pain that I have contains a spec of hope.