Just recently I had grown an envious feeling toward a friend of mine. I saw how GOD would reach out to him no matter what and would later bless him. 

Let me put it into more detail

This kid would do whatever he wanted and proceed to spit on GODs face and GOD would still reach his hand out and proceed to bless him.

It killed me because as someone who was trying to fight for a specific blessing but wouldn’t receive it. It made my actions feel useless. He wasn’t only receiving any kind of blessing but one that I was fighting for with all my strength. 

Why? Why is it that this kid who is disrespectful towards you, is receiving a blessing that I, someone who trying his best to look good in front of your eyes, desire. He’s not even working for it. He doesn’t deserve it. I felt like he was being served in a silver platter, in contrast of me.

I had a talk with someone else about how I felt. They knocked me into reality. The truth was that I was being served in a silver platter. I was the one with the easy life. Not only that but this kid has gone through so much. I got told that he was physically taken advantage of, his dad wasn’t the best in his childhood and part of his teen years. He had gone through drug addiction, and having to depend on sexual actions with a ton of girls in order to fill that hole of happiness. 

I feel absolutely embarrassed to think that I thought that he was the one with the easy life while I’m over here with the best parents, an older sister that is close to GOD and younger ones that are there for me at all times. I’m over here living in the gated community.

The crazy part is that now I’m praying he gets the best wife, best kids, and all the love of the world. I know he isn’t perfect and that he’s made a lot of mistakes but that’s what’s expected from when life throws you rocks. 

But now I look at myself. Now I feel like I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve that girl that J so desire. I don’t deserve to have that amazing love story or wife. When I make mistakes that I shouldn’t be making. When I slap GOD, when he protected me and gave me the best childhood. I don’t deserve another chance. To be honest I don’t even wanna fight for this girl anymore. Not because I don’t love her but because I don’t deserve her. Neither do I deserve to have GOD perform a literal miracle to have her next to me.